FACING MY INTERNAL BATTLES – Fear of heights
It was a hot, sunny day at Michigan’s Adventure Amusement Park. Going to the park was a yearly event raising our kids. This year would be different because I would try and conquer my fear of heights by going on the RipCord. I was bound and determined since our previous year’s visit that I was going to do this; I needed to do this. I needed to look my fear of heights in the face, no longer allowing it to have a strong hold on my life, limiting me from participating in many of life’s adventures.
I thought about it on and off all year long as I proclaimed this promise in front of my family, and I knew they would hold me accountable for it. As the months became weeks, then days, I was getting really anxious, to say the least. I had trouble sleeping and wondering why on earth I had said this out loud, why had I not just left it between me and my fear.
When we arrived at the park, I prayed all the way that some fluke storm would all of a sudden pass through and close the park—no such luck. Holger, my husband, felt my anxiety and apprehension and told me several times along the way that it was okay if I didn’t do it, but my children did not display such empathy. They were so excited as we headed over to where this ‘thrill of a ride’ was located to see ‘mom’ go on this thing called the RipCord. My legs felt like noodles all the way. This seriously was a real thing, a real battle going on inside me that I felt sick to my stomach. I felt this strong feeling inside of me telling me that I had to do this for myself. I had to prove that I was stronger and braver than fear itself. I felt God nudging me each step of the way. I don’t recall much of the preparation: putting on the harness and being connected to the flight support cables sandwiched between Holger and my daughter, Shawna. All I recall is my whole body shaking, trying to regulate my breathing, keeping my heart in its place, and repeating to myself that I could do this. I heard people talking, asking me questions, but it all sounded muffled like I was in a box and they were standing all on the outside of it.
As we were hoisted up 180 feet into the air, I was talking to God the whole time, praying that we wouldn’t die and repenting for all the bad things I had done in my life. I cursed myself for doing this; what was I thinking? I closed my eyes most of the way up, sometimes opening one eye to take a peek. For a moment, we dangle up at the maximum height, waiting as Shawna tries to locate the pull cord to release us into our fall, which promises to simulate a skydiving experience. She pulls, we release, and fall, reaching up to 80 miles an hour as I scream allllll the way down, my eyelids opening and closing like a lens on a camera…click, click, click.
My whole body released the fear as I screamed, and when it was over, I cried and yelled in the air…I did it! Words cannot do justice to what I felt at that moment. Where once was such fear that numbness, anxiety, and irrationality were my constant companions, then a complete release had taken place. In the sixty seconds or less it took for the decent, I felt different. I felt what it was like to be completely free from its grip.
See, I don’t believe it was just about the fear of heights I conquered that day; I don’t think it ever is. I believe there is a deeper, more profound fear within each of us. You name your fear. Each of us has our own fears to face; this, for me, was just the beginning of discovering what lay deeper within my soul that I needed to investigate, that I needed to find freedom in.
For me, the day I got on that RipCord gave me the perseverance and courage to dig deeper, go deeper, into my own life’s journey, seeking God’s help and direction in healing areas within me that were wounded and needing release from its bondage, to be set free. I didn’t want the past, the wounds and brokenness, to keep me in a box where fear wanted me to be. Yes, I was afraid of what I would discover. I was afraid to look at some things I had done that I was ashamed of, but also, I was ready to take a look at some hurts that sat dormant for a long time that I needed to get healing from and find forgiveness.
Heal. Release. Forgive.
Yes, to most, this story may seem like no big deal and a hurray that I accomplished this scary feat, but not for me. It was a big push, a leap of faith, that ‘I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength’ (Philippians 4:13). That God has more for me, and I have what it takes to step into it, no matter how scary it is. No matter how much my body shakes and my mind tries to stop me, God will sustain me, and I will persevere through life’s trials so that I can be who God created me to be: free.
How about you? Is there some fear that holds you ‘hostage’ from stepping into the very thing God has for you? Maybe it’s time to ask God to give you the courage to face whatever it is that is in your way from experiencing true freedom.