FACING MY INTERNAL BATTLES – Showing Vulnerability!
I don’t know if you have watched any of Brene Brown’s Ted Talks. If not, I encourage you to. She has one called ‘The Power of Vulnerability’ that I love and has challenged me on this topic. Even though it is a decade or so old, I only listened to it as a ‘suggestion’ for the inner healing caregiving courses I was taking this past year, but to tell you the truth, I’ve been on this journey of ‘vulnerability’ for many years. Brene just put what I had been trying to figure out myself into a beautiful word picture that my heart could definitely connect to.
For me, and pretty much, I believe, the majority of us, we run far away from vulnerability. Vulnerability is scary and feels like total exposure to oneself. When I stop and ponder the word, swooshing it around my mouth a bit and saying it over and over again, I feel my heart pump harder, and my breath shorten as anxiety rises. Why is that? Why and what are we afraid of?
In my inner healing/trauma training over the years, I have come to the awareness that healing can only come through vulnerability. Being open about our past hurts, wounds, experiences, and so on, as difficult as some may be, allows those hidden things to come to light and be set free. We all have a past and things in it that we wish to forget or erase; not one of us is exempt from it. I believed for so long that the past is the past; it is better left there where so much shame and brokenness dwelt. I didn’t want to put it on display, per se. I didn’t see the point: why bring all that ugly stuff up? I didn’t want to show others that part of ‘me’ but rather the part I wanted to be, so I set out to create that better ‘me.’ This is not to say that it is not a good thought; we are to want to be better selves, to grow and learn, to know our strengths and weaknesses, and to persevere through adversity. Those are all good. BUT what I soon discovered as I walked further in my journey and its different seasons, as much as I wanted to leave that part of myself behind, she was key to who I was. And so…that required me to be open, honest, and VULNERABLE!
This journey into vulnerability started shortly after my mother passed away in January 2014. I couldn’t hide from my past any longer; it had seeped into my daily life more and more and was causing havoc. Even though I had an education in psychology, doors began to open for me to learn more about trauma and inner healing. Through the courses I was taking, I also participated in one-on-one therapy and healing groups, which helped me take my first steps in the area of vulnerability, opening up my past wounds and the effects it has had on my life including the unhealthy dysfunctional behaviors I was displaying because of these wounds. It was hard to take that first step; I held back for a long time while others were opening up and sharing, feeling as though if I did, the dam would break, and I’d lose complete control of myself and throw up my feelings all over everyone. But, as I began to feel safe and trust my caregivers, God was right there with me, helping me to take one step at a time as he helped me unpeel the layers of my onion to get to the core of my hurts.
Vulnerability.
Taking the risk not only helped me remove my false mask, the ‘pretend’ part of me, but also to see the beautiful side of me, my value and worth, which was the reason I originally hid from being vulnerable. I believed showing vulnerability would bring more shame and judgment. Maybe it is a tool for others to use, but that’s on them; for me, it has given me freedom. Freedom to be the real me God has created me to be, releasing the many chains that held me in captivity for way too long. That’s where the enemy wants us to be, holding us back from our true purpose and calling that God has for each of us. See, that’s the difference between darkness and light. Darkness only hides things, holding us in bondage to them, but light exposes that which is in the darkness and sets it free. We can try and run from the light, afraid of it, not realizing it is good for our souls, it is good to be released from the pain and secrets of our pasts, bringing healing and freedom, but there is a risk of vulnerability attached and posing the question…am I reading and willing to take that risk? Trust me, I’ve done it, and it is so worth it and freeing!
If you want to know more about inner healing and how you can begin your own journey, check how you can connect with me on my website, luciejerch.com. If you would like to know more about my healing journey, you can order any of my books, Beyond the Wheat Field and the Study Guide that goes along with it, and/or Dear Mom, Letters of Healing on Amazon.